pyrighteous | [OOC] Folkmore IC Inbox

Nothing's ever definitely fine. [ The guard pairs this with a faint shrug. Like. Sorry Casey, you'll never get unqualified reassurance from THIS guy.] But that's a good idea. Yeah. Hunter is ...

[ Baby brother darling he is trying so hard not to dunk on you. He really can't say anything that wouldn't be rude, so he doesn't. ]

Anyway. The fact I'm here is proof the galdorstone is okay. And if he's acting normally - including stupid, boneheaded decisions - the galdorstone is still okay.

[ Okay fine a little rudeness as a treat. ]

[Casey's lived a life of perpetual Not-Fine-ness, he knows it well. He nods along with the response, though it's the last comment that makes a smile creep back onto his lips, weak and worried, but grateful. It was a stupid, bonehead decision. He'll remember that one.]

Don't worry, I really let him have it. Probably too much. If he does anything like that again he's so doomed.

[He doesn't think Hunter will, though. He'll trust in that promise, as long as he can. Anyway, they have two other galdorstones if one is needed. That should be plenty.]

Good. He needs -

[ The guard hesitates. He REALLY is trying to be respectful of his baby brother he swears!! ]

... I feel like all of you have been really kind to him. Which is good. But that means it's doubly important to be harsh when it's necessary, or else he'll stop trusting the good things.

[He's doing well at being respectful, actually. And this feels like pretty important information here.]

Stop trusting the good, huh... is that why he took so long with Rue's letter? He was afraid you would end up replacing him.

[ At that, the guard nods. He’s had that conversation with Rue by now, and also a follow up via notebook with Hunter. ]

Rue’s been perfect so far. Which is great, but I think…

[ He hesitates. Trying to put this gently. ]

We can’t fully trust until we know what the bad reaction looks like. That’s why Draxum is easier sometimes too even if he’s objectively a bad choice.

[ Sorry Draxum both Hunter and the guard genuinely love you. But. ]

Oh...

[Hearing that, he can't help wilting a little. It makes sense, and he can work with it, it's just... depressing.]

I get it. It's like a limits test. [Pressure on a new material, seeing how much it can take before it breaks... feeling suspicious of sort of thing can be instinctive. You can't trust a support beam until you know what it can handle.] It's easy to love someone when everything's fine.

[He hesitates.]

He looked kind of freaked out when I yelled at him for it.

Yeah. Not on purpose, just.

[ A depressing reality. Hunter certainly doesn’t set out to do this on purpose; he can barely verbalize the same feeling that the guard is taking about now. The guard is a little more equipped to test boundaries - and has, gently, in the way he talks to Casey and Rue and Draxum. Briskness is both a personality feature and a deliberate coping mechanism for him. ]

He probably was. The standard we have for the bad reaction is… well…

[ Belos. ]

But he didn’t write anything to me about it aside from an apology for how tense he was, so I’m guessing that means you worked it out.

We did, yeah. [Thankfully. It could've gone so poorly on either side, if things had been a little different. So Hunter didn't bring it up...? Either that means things really are okay, or he hadn't felt a strong enough need to.] He's been normal since then.

[At least as far as Casey can recall noticing.]

I've been... kinda low-key pissed off and tired lately. Since the mindscape happened. I'm trying to keep that on lockdown, especially with Hunter.

[ The guard doesn’t perk up, exactly, but something shifts in his demeanor. Refocusing, tuning himself in Casey’s direction. ]

What did it make you see?

[ The guard is fresh to this; he wasn’t involved, and he doesn’t have any baggage either. There’s not much Casey could say that would hurt him the way it would Hunter. ]

[It still makes Casey hesitate. He's talked about this to death, he's not sure the guard deserves to get it dumped on him as well, especially with so much else going on. Though at least the specifics of the dream, Hunter knows already. Sharing it with the guard isn't that weird.]

...My world's... destroyed. Don't know if you know already. Aliens invaded and killed everything. ...Everyone. In those dreams, it showed the last day. The end of the world, and the last of my family, dying, just to send me somewhere safe.

[Because that's the reality of it, isn't it? They'd proved that, when Leo refused to go himself after the Casey of that dream failed to show up. (They'd killed him, he realized belatedly. They'd sealed the door he'd used to escape the Krang and reach sensei. His own dream guide had cut him out of the picture to save sensei, and it still didn't work. How pathetic is that?) The time gateway was as much to save Casey as it was to save the world.]

She wanted me to accept it. That I couldn't save anyone else... that I was always gonna be the only survivor. But I couldn't, so... I kept going back, over and over. I kept failing.

[Witnessing that sort of thing again and again has... kind of done a number on him, in that bones-deep-wound-reopened kind of way that he doesn't know how to heal from yet.]

[ The guard listens, quiet and somber. A little surprise plays on his face - he has some details from Hunter, but not nearly this many - but mostly his expression remains muted. It’s a different kind of horror from what the guard experienced- he doesn’t even have Hunter’s apocalypse to compare it to.

But the sensation of watching the same scenario play out over and over again - to be forced into learning a hard lesson by brute force if nothing else… yeah, he can relate. ]

It’s not wrong. Wanting to do it differently, and trying over and over again to affect it.

[ it’s not as though he watched every one of his successors in horrific detail, but he had enough of a view - and the occasional flare of energy and instinct - to try. ]

It wears away at your whole existence, doesn’t it? That level of failure.

[ He says it so, so gently. ]

Have… you talked to anyone about it? Hunter?

[That understanding is... well, not wholly unexpected, but still surprise enough to make Casey stumble through an answer. Wears away... that's a good way of phrasing it. Each time had felt a little bit like parts of himself being carved off, hollowed out. And parts of what was inside are so, so angry and scared.]

We... talked about what happened. My grief, and... what I'm feeling. Hunter called it survivor's guilt, I've been reading about it.

[And it makes a lot of sense. Most of it lines up. Far from the only thing that's wrong with him, he's figuring out very quickly, but it's up there. Being the sole survivor of an entire world of billions makes it more obvious.]

Mom set me up with a counsellor. I've never done that before, so... we're taking it slow. We haven't gotten there yet.

[So... kind of yes, kind of no? But it's at least being worked on.]

Survivor’s guilt, huh.

[ Does that apply to the guard too? Can he really have survivor’s guilt if he literally didn’t survive? That’s a neat little bit of luggage that he stares down mentally while categorically refusing to unpack it. He’ll go back to his lil corner of Hunter’s mind and lay it all out later.

No, he’s entirely focused on Casey right now, and that’s how he wants it. Something is almost soothing about being able to talk about someone else’s problems - maybe even help, a little. When’s the last time he got to do that? Has he ever done it in a healthy way? Counseling Belos certainly didn’t count. ]

What are you going to say to the counselor? When you get that far.

[ Here, practice with him first. Maybe it will help. If nothing else, the guard is a good listener. ]

[Casey hesitates at that, quiet for a long moment as he seriously considers how to answer. What would he say...? He's learned how much easier it is to talk about when prompted with specific questions. Something generic as this makes it more difficult to explain. (Maybe that's why counsellors are good at what they do. They know how to reach into your heart and drag the problems to the forefront, without making it feel forced. At least, that's how it's been so far. Terribly daunting, but weirdly comforting in a way.)]

I... I think it's just made me more guilty. Instead of resolving any problems, it just made things worse. Or at least brought what was already there to the surface. [He looks down at his lap, hands twined together. Easier to say when he doesn't have to look at anyone.] By not accepting it, by fighting it or trying to run away, I made even more people see that awful place. I made Mom cry so much... I know I gave Hunter more nightmares. [As if they both don't already have enough to worry about.] I'm angry with myself... because I was too weak to handle it on my own, not only did I have to watch sensei and my uncle die again and again, but I hurt the people I love.

[ the guard is certainly no counselor. He’s not sure what kinds of questions to ask - so maybe generic is the best he can do. But still, even then… He thinks he can see the shape of this, given what he knows of Casey both directly and through Hunter. ]

I can’t speak for the others. But I think Hunter would choose the nightmares over not helping you, given a choice. And Rue has to be the same way.

[ Like everything he knows about Rue aligns with that so it seems like a safe bet. ]

They all made choices to help you, over and over again. How much of a choice did you get in being helped?

Wh-what?

[The last part catches Casey off guard, and he looks up, staring in surprise for a handful of seconds. His choice? Does that matter?]

I... I accepted Thirteen's trial. It showed up on the relic- if we accepted, we'd get a pin that would let us skip a trial in the future. She didn't say what it would be, but... that's still a choice I made, isn't it? I kind of asked for it.

[And it's like Hunter said: a pin could have saved Leo's arm. It could be huge to have in the future. And he got a pin, eventually. Any regrets in accepting after the fact would just be selfish.]

[ That’s what he thought. The missing detail of the pin. Hunter hadn’t directly mentioned Leo’s arm, but he had written about trials being wildly dangerous sometimes…

The guard nods slowly as it all sinks into place in his head. ]

Barely a choice at all. You’d be stupid not to. Right?

[ The smallest of head shakes. ]

Asking for something isn’t the same thing as choosing it. Your family chose freely every time, but you didn’t get that opportunity. Not really. So of course it still hurts.

[ His voice softens a little now. Trying to be gentler than his blunt instincts want him to be. Casey is precious to his brother AND himself dammit, so he has to be careful. ]

How many real choices have you had even in a place like this, Casey?

Edited 2024-03-14 16:50 (UTC)

[Casey winces.]

That's... that's not fair. I've made lots of choices here. I can pick where to live, how to dress and what to eat... just about every day I get to decide what to do with myself. I chose who my family is. Compared to my life back home, where I couldn't choose any of those... this place is- it's still better. For choice. For almost everything.

[Hunter was right. The trial was a small price to pay for the harm it could prevent, later. And Rue's said it, too- this world is better. For him, for all of them. They can be themselves, discover themselves, away from the hells they came from. It's so much better.

So why is he still angry?]

Even if it wasn't my choice... what am I supposed to do, now? It isn't their fault, either... they didn't know what they were walking into.

[Thirteen - or Lavender - never handed any of them a card explaining they were about to enter a hellscape of bones where everyone dies horribly. And his guide selves were just... angry or sad and generally unhelpful, delivering multiple horrors upon their visitors with little resolution.

It wasn't his choice to shove his traumas onto his loved ones, but he still did it anyway. Now what?]

[ Well - okay those are ALL good choices actually. The guard can certainly appreciate the value of getting to make all those smaller decisions; Belos’s grip had been even tighter on himself than it had been on Hunter.

But still. Even so. Casey is clearly unhappy, and that’s what he’s trying to help with here. Even if it’s just an opportunity to talk. ]

I think you don’t need to do anything for them now. Hunter, Rue, all of them - I think they’re gonna be okay. You helped them first right?

[ Maybe Hunter has nightmares sometimes, still, but he’s at least made peace with the fact that he’s having them. And their power is diminishing over time just with distance and distraction. ]

Have you taken time for yourself yet? To just - I don’t know.

[ Here the guard gives Casey an awkward little shrug. ]

I used to go into the palace library and scream at books when I was upset.

[He really doesn't have to do anything? They'll be okay? He really, really hopes so, that what they've told him is true and they're glad to have helped him. The last thing he wants is to be a burden on them.

Time for himself... sure, he's had that. Not... not a lot, lately. He's been pouring so many hours into the project and supporting everybody as much as possible that he hasn't had much time otherwise. Their problems are so much more immediate and worrisome. It makes sense to let his take a backburner. And shouldn't counselling count as time for himself? Since it's to help.]

I've... been busy with everything. It's been a good distraction, so I haven't had that much chance to overthink this stuff. [The project is done now, though...] Oh, but Hunter's making me stay in bed tomorrow! So I'll have lots of time for myself then. He's gonna take care of me, we made rules and everything.

[That counts, right?]

[ Oh. Oh Casey. The guard just gives him a level stare, taking in ALL of those eye bags you’ve got going on. Don’t think he doesn’t see them. ]

That’s a start. Physically.

[ the guard’s eyes narrow. ]

What are you doing for yourself emotionally? Other than counseling.

[He gets an owlish blink in return. What, what? Of course he looks tired, it's past his bedtime. (Nevermind that this has been ongoing for weeks now.) What he's doing emotionally, though...?]

Um. Nothing special, I guess... nothing I wasn't doing before this happened.

[Suppose counselling isn't enough then. Now he's drawing a blank.]

What else... should I do?

[ That's - actually a really good question. The guard recognizes that such things need to be done, but how to do them?? That. Um.

He stares owlishly in return for a moment as his mind races. His expression is VERY Hunter-like for just a moment. ]

I - uh -

[ Okay okay okay come on don't just stare, sheesh. ]

-- I just think you should be more selfish.

[Casey's brows furrow in confusion at that.]

More... selfish? Isn't that a bad thing?

[It sort of feels like it should be a bad thing.]

It can be. Yeah.

But never being selfish is bad too.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject